I don't know if it's going to show the right date but this was written March 14...
So I've decided to finish up this blog. Getting closer and closer to going to Hillsong... my life is starting to take a turn in a whole new direction and I thought it would be a good idea to start fresh, a whole new blog. Specifically designed for the next few years of my life.
I know how miserably I've failed at keeping up with the growth and learning that I've faced since I've come home... I've barely even journaled. It's especially been hard to keep up with since I started working... which brings me to a whole new level of exhaustion; not leaving very much room for personal reflection or time to write. Know simply that it's been a lot. The person I am now in comparison with the person I was then (pre-Bahamas) are two entirely different people. It's a difficult position to be in, especially around people who have known you for years and whose perspectives of you might not even have been right to begin with... which is a very big reason I am so excited to go to Hillsong. Not that I need to get away... but it's an opportunity to grow in freedom... not being held back by the perspectives of other people. As much as my identity is built on God and no one else... people holding you to things or speaking things over you can be very hard to overcome... it gets exhausting, especially when you work my job and you’re always worn out mentally and physically anyway. What's great though is... even when I'm at a point where I don't think I can take it anymore... inside, I know that God is there. It's a part of me, I know from the endless amount of times that I didn't feel like God was there and in the end, I would always look back and see His greater plan turn out in the end. So, even now, when every part of me has no energy left... when I don't feel like I can take another day of being here... I know that God has much, much greater things in store and His plan will overcome any situation I might be in, no matter how far ahead of me the end might be.
Now, before you misunderstand... life isn't awful for me :) I feel like that might be what it sounds like... on the contrary, I couldn't be happier with where God's brought me after everything I've been through; the things He has taught me, the ways He has changed me. I'm just realizing that I'm at a point where I need to be free of everything I know, a fresh start if you will, so that I can grow fully... it's an opportunity... One I just can't wait to embark on.
Right now routine has hit me... I knew it would... it had to. All I do is work, eat, sleep, occasionally hang out with people... ministry at church sure but only on certain days of the week. Work puts a different spin on life, especially when it wears you out to the extent it wears me out. I really sensed it the other day when I got frustrated about something, something I wouldn't normally get frustrated over. I don't remember what it was specifically but I remember recognizing the change in my spirit and how much it concerned me. I remembered then that I haven't fasted in a while... The balance between the physical and the spiritual has switched. Not to mention that there are other things in my life and heart that I deal with as well... it's exhausting and satan so easily distracts you with how worn out you are that you fail to see or remember that God has an endless supply of strength, clarity, joy, love, peace. I hold onto Him, even in my most dire moments... I trust Him. I know that He is right, that He knows me, that He loves me... and when it comes down to it... that's all that matters to me. So, I'm in a transition period... it's almost like being in a limbo. I work everyday and pour out as much of myself as I can at work while at the same time doing my job to the best of my ability. The money I make is only to go towards Hillsong and going to Australia... I don't want to make connections that run too deep while I'm here because I still hope to go to Australia... and I'm at such a ready point to go.
All this and then at the same time, I'm preparing my heart. I don't want to go to Australia because I'm trying to escape anything... I also want to learn everything that I need to learn from the things I'm facing here fully... or at least to the greatest extent that I can before I have to go. As much as getting away from some of the things here is going to be good... so good... I also don't want to leave with walls between people or messes that I've left behind. This is an entirely different part of my life that's about to begin, I want to start it off right. Again, I trust God; I know that He works ALL things for the good of those who love Him. He knows what He's doing, always. He changes perspectives, changes hearts, changes friendships, changes lives. He is good... always good... and His plans are always so much better than anything I think of... even better than anything I want.
This won’t be my last blog… I’m going to wait and write one more before I start my new blog. It just doesn’t yet feel like the right place to stop… God has something else He wants to do. Everything I’m saying now, I say from a point of limbo, or slight frustration even at my current position. I am confident that I serve a God who has something better in store for me and He has one more step He would like me to take before I start onto a new path.
No comments:
Post a Comment