Final Thoughts

If only I could fully put into the words the goodness of the God that I serve and even just a small piece of the wonderful things He's done for me, in me, through me. Amazing.

I do not have to time to go into detail at the moment... but from my March 14th entry... so much has happened, so much has changed. My life seems as if it is going by years now on a day to day basis. I am a new person every month, every week, every day. The learning and the lessons have slowed down from when I first got home from the Bahams as I've slid into a daily life... but I still remember those day to days where God would take my heart in giant leaps forward and speak innumerable things to me daily. I cannot even believe the difference in my character now from even 2 months ago let alone 3, 4 or even the 7 months ago that the Bahamas was. Wow. There are moments where I compare the way I think, react, feel about certain things in comparison to how I would've felt a time ago and it blows my mind. The freedom that God has put in me is incredible.

Needless to say there is nothing holding me back from going now. The world, and everything in it is under my feet as the Word says... with Christ in me, who or what can stop me? There are no questions left, nothing in my heart that I need to worry about... nothing that I'm scared to be running from as I go. No I am fully confident that God is even now finishing up every bit of work He's intended to finish up before I go and He's not even done yet! How amazing of a God we serve. This whole time I knew He had it in His control, and I trusted Him through every bit... but trusting while still in bondage versus trusting after a great victory has been won are two totally different things... especially remembering the bondage and realizing the difference. The battle was immense but I am fighting on the side that has won and who will always win the victory!

I don't have time to go into detail which disappoints me because there is so much to say, so many testimonies to give! God is so good! But I have a lot to say about the beginning of this next part of my life and I want to be able to get started on it. My personality holds me to this strange quirk that I cannot start my next blog until I finish this one... which is why I'm giving a short summary of my final thoughts of the occurances of the past half year of my life that quite honestly feels like 10. Perhaps as I discuss plans and the things on my heart for this next trip I will also find time to reflect on the past and on this blog but if not... just know that yet again, God has conquered. In so many ways, these last 6-7 months have been the conclusion of a work that has taken 6-7 years to accomplish and is what has prepared me for this entirely new chapter. I am starting over, and in a place completely devoid of everything I've ever known. If it weren't for who God's made me, for the family He's given me, the friends I've had, the things I've experiences, the ways I've been hurt, the things I've learned or the ways He's changed me... there is no way on heaven or on earth that I would in any way be ready to go right now. I have absolutely no reservations, no fear, nothing holding me back, only a God before me who has my life in the palm of His hands... a God before me who has all the world in the palm of His hands, who has made me, who loves me... what on earth do I have to worry about?!

I am once again in a place of such freedom, such confidence, a place even stronger than before. What happened the last time I was in this place? I got thrown into the fire, into the Bahamas, where I experienced things that threw my world into chaos.... so what have I to expect this time? Maybe something similar? Maybe something worse? Either way I go into it this time even stronger than before, and with a stronger understanding of not only the God who is next to me, but IN me... LIVING in me! The authority that He's given me, the fact that He loves me and only ever wants to bless me... I am not afraid! Praise God! I will praise Him and praise Him always, regardless of where I am or what is happening because His ways are always higher! Always better! I love Him with all my heart and I can't wait to see what He has in store! Thank you for reading! Thank you for praying! I'm sorry I never set enough time aside to really go into the things that God has been doing and speaking... I kind of give that priority to my journal... maybe I'll do a better job of it in my next blog :)

Thanks again!

Corinna

Pre-Finale: A Summary of Current Thoughts

I don't know if it's going to show the right date but this was written March 14...

So I've decided to finish up this blog. Getting closer and closer to going to Hillsong... my life is starting to take a turn in a whole new direction and I thought it would be a good idea to start fresh, a whole new blog. Specifically designed for the next few years of my life.
I know how miserably I've failed at keeping up with the growth and learning that I've faced since I've come home... I've barely even journaled. It's especially been hard to keep up with since I started working... which brings me to a whole new level of exhaustion; not leaving very much room for personal reflection or time to write. Know simply that it's been a lot. The person I am now in comparison with the person I was then (pre-Bahamas) are two entirely different people. It's a difficult position to be in, especially around people who have known you for years and whose perspectives of you might not even have been right to begin with... which is a very big reason I am so excited to go to Hillsong. Not that I need to get away... but it's an opportunity to grow in freedom... not being held back by the perspectives of other people. As much as my identity is built on God and no one else... people holding you to things or speaking things over you can be very hard to overcome... it gets exhausting, especially when you work my job and you’re always worn out mentally and physically anyway. What's great though is... even when I'm at a point where I don't think I can take it anymore... inside, I know that God is there. It's a part of me, I know from the endless amount of times that I didn't feel like God was there and in the end, I would always look back and see His greater plan turn out in the end. So, even now, when every part of me has no energy left... when I don't feel like I can take another day of being here... I know that God has much, much greater things in store and His plan will overcome any situation I might be in, no matter how far ahead of me the end might be.
Now, before you misunderstand... life isn't awful for me :) I feel like that might be what it sounds like... on the contrary, I couldn't be happier with where God's brought me after everything I've been through; the things He has taught me, the ways He has changed me. I'm just realizing that I'm at a point where I need to be free of everything I know, a fresh start if you will, so that I can grow fully... it's an opportunity... One I just can't wait to embark on.
Right now routine has hit me... I knew it would... it had to. All I do is work, eat, sleep, occasionally hang out with people... ministry at church sure but only on certain days of the week. Work puts a different spin on life, especially when it wears you out to the extent it wears me out. I really sensed it the other day when I got frustrated about something, something I wouldn't normally get frustrated over. I don't remember what it was specifically but I remember recognizing the change in my spirit and how much it concerned me. I remembered then that I haven't fasted in a while... The balance between the physical and the spiritual has switched. Not to mention that there are other things in my life and heart that I deal with as well... it's exhausting and satan so easily distracts you with how worn out you are that you fail to see or remember that God has an endless supply of strength, clarity, joy, love, peace. I hold onto Him, even in my most dire moments... I trust Him. I know that He is right, that He knows me, that He loves me... and when it comes down to it... that's all that matters to me. So, I'm in a transition period... it's almost like being in a limbo. I work everyday and pour out as much of myself as I can at work while at the same time doing my job to the best of my ability. The money I make is only to go towards Hillsong and going to Australia... I don't want to make connections that run too deep while I'm here because I still hope to go to Australia... and I'm at such a ready point to go.
All this and then at the same time, I'm preparing my heart. I don't want to go to Australia because I'm trying to escape anything... I also want to learn everything that I need to learn from the things I'm facing here fully... or at least to the greatest extent that I can before I have to go. As much as getting away from some of the things here is going to be good... so good... I also don't want to leave with walls between people or messes that I've left behind. This is an entirely different part of my life that's about to begin, I want to start it off right. Again, I trust God; I know that He works ALL things for the good of those who love Him. He knows what He's doing, always. He changes perspectives, changes hearts, changes friendships, changes lives. He is good... always good... and His plans are always so much better than anything I think of... even better than anything I want.
This won’t be my last blog… I’m going to wait and write one more before I start my new blog. It just doesn’t yet feel like the right place to stop… God has something else He wants to do. Everything I’m saying now, I say from a point of limbo, or slight frustration even at my current position. I am confident that I serve a God who has something better in store for me and He has one more step He would like me to take before I start onto a new path.

The Artist with the End in Mind

I cannot believe that it’s actually been 4 months now… since we left for the Bahamas… wow. I’ve been wanting to keep up with all the thought processes and changes in my thinking since I’ve gotten home; especially since God has been speaking such an incredible number of things to me, with incredible depth… but that’s the problem. It’s been so much in so little amount of time that it’s been impossible to keep up with all of it. I mean I have to process it all for myself first, let alone discuss my thoughts on a blog… but here I am, and now I’m going to try and start sharing some of my thought processes; just to fill you in on the happenings of my heart and life. I mean it’s not all of it, that’s for sure… even just the number and the depth of the S.O.A.P.s that I’ve been doing have been truly intense… but also incredible. If only I could cover all the broken mindsets and the perspective changes, everything that God’s taught me and is continuing to teach me. What’s cool is that what I said in my December 9 post was entirely true… which I just read over... The changes God made in me on the trip were so much more than just a high. Being away from everything familiar to me, everything I knew, every way of thinking, every perspective (even of myself), in that environment and for that amount of time… well it did some life altering changes in me. It’s made a lot of the things that I’ve learned and known for years, a part of who I am, through my experiences. All of a sudden I find myself living and breathing God, constantly, all the time. I find the ideals have established themselves as a part of my very being.

I’ve been trying to keep up all of this the best I can even just for myself in my journals… even through that… I could write books worth and still not cover everything that I’ve learned and gone through. It’s extensive; the true challenge being however… relaying these thoughts now, to the world.

An interesting effect of the trip on me and my thinking was how easily I was made to forget things due to the issues I was facing (this is while I was still on the trip). I started to forget a lot of things God’s done and established in me, I even forgot the excitement of God restoring my confidence just before the trip. It’s funny how easy it is to forget those things when you get caught up in a situation and you lose your focus, allowing your own emotions, goals, and desires to twist your point of view. Perspective, I’ve realized, is everything. You focus on the wrong thing, that’s then, all you can see, causing you to forget everything else, even if it’s more important to remember.

It wasn’t the forgetting that was great, but the now remembering. Now having gone through hell and fire, gone through battle and conflict, confusion and chaos in my own life and heart… having my perspective once again cleared and eyes drawn once more to where they should be, on the cross, on Christ and the promise of His eternal love… realizing once again just the irrelevance of my problems in comparison with who He is and the things He’s done for me. The best part about going through something like that… is just like when Satan stole my confidence from me and God restored it… God is not a God who just restores things, but also makes them entirely new! So, coming out of the things my heart was dealing with from the circumstances that I was facing, I was not just being brought out of it and back into who I was before… but being brought out into an entirely new skin, into an even stronger identity than before. An identity who has now learned things, having allowed myself to have a teachable spirit which then allowed God mold and teach me the things He wanted to. It also gave me new testimony of who God is despite my failings and my situation. Especially after having faced a situation where I was given the opportunity to put God in place of my hurt and weariness, allowing Him to be my strength in my weakness no matter how hard that might’ve been to do. Which, let me just say, is extremely hard to do; particularly when your focus is off and your concerns are blinded by your own will; along with your own perspective and your own idea of how to solve the problem.

An additional effect of my experiences, just as I mentioned in my December 9 post… having come home after going through some of the things I went through had a very sobering effect on me. I wasn’t just a fanatical crazy with all these new ideals burning in me just because of some amazing trip; I wasn’t coming off of a high. On the contrary… when I came home it was as if I had just run a marathon. I was exhausted, at first I wanted to escape from everything… I wanted to bury myself in everything but myself so that I wouldn’t have to think about any of it. I sought solace in anything and everything, I wanted to even get away literally, move somewhere... leave, distance myself from the problem. Not all of it was entirely intended for escape, my general nature is to dive into ministry and use every experience God’s given me for His glory in other people’s lives. The thing that I forgot was that God’s name needs to be made known fully in my own life before He can be made known in the lives of others through me. Soon though, I realized that there were things going on inside of me and things that I needed to learn that required time, reflection and a lot of allowing God to shape me. It brought me to a point where I realized that I wanted nothing to do with ministry; not for myself, but after a conversation with an old teacher I was caught and reminded that I wasn’t in any position to be doing stuff for other people if I wasn’t ok anyway.

There were things that God needed to do in me before He could use me. One thing I had to come to terms with was that that was ok. Usually, I absolutely hate being the one that needs help, I hate facing myself and the fact that I too go through things and forget things just as much as other people do. I too, have to be told the very things I often tell other people in their time of need; and that’s ok. God’s name has to be made known in our own lives through our struggles and humility just as much as in the lives of other people through us. Our focus is not being used by Him for ourselves but being used by Him for His purposes, full surrender means letting Him work in us as well as through us. Being human, each of us are going to fail; there were endless conversations I had with pastor Jimmy in the Bahamas about that very fact: that as humans, everything we do will have some kind of selfish motive behind it, always; and oh how I can’t wait till I get to heaven and I can finally worship God in the fullness of who I was made to be, in the fullness of the freedom I was intended to have while worshipping him; free of selfishness, free of any self-seeking motivation.

Involving other people and asking them for help and having to have the very people I’ve poured into in the past have to pour into me may have been uncomfortable and humbling; still, I learn quickly and it was awesome also, to let God show me how he puts us in each others lives at just the right times for just the right reasons… this is what it means to be a family of God; and it’s in us admitting our weaknesses that God can come in and make us stronger.

The things that God was doing and changing in me on the trip had continued into my daily life once I got home… and there were many times where I just got to a point of overload. I didn’t want to face it anymore; but something really cool about going through all of this is that a few years ago God put it on my heart to pray that He would shake the foundations of my faith. My goal (as He put it in my heart), was that the only thing left standing would be what should be standing (which is Christ), just as His word says. I knew that it was a dangerous prayer to pray, but I never realized just HOW dangerous. I am apparently facing the aftermath of that prayer even now, Praise God! After I prayed that prayer, the hell that I faced was incredible. All of a sudden, everything around me was falling apart, my friends, my family, school, even my position as a middle school leader. I started to go through some of the most painful experiences of my life. Another sort of conjoining prayer to that was that God would shape my identity to His 100%... another dangerous prayer to pray, especially going hand in hand with the former. Yet, again, by the end, the only thing left standing is Christ. How true has that become in my life. No matter what I go through, no matter how painful, and no matter how confusing; God is always, always, always the only thing that I have to hold onto. He’s taken individual parts of my life and one at a time torn down every part of me that builds my identity on things that I shouldn’t; He then proceeds to establish Himself as my identity in its place. This process takes a lot of painful work, but once completed, just as His word says, it’s that we might not be lacking in anything. We also need to remember that God is not a God who leaves us on our own through these times, but He gives us the strength we need for every day that we take on. All of this, difficult as most of it has been, has been an answer to prayer. It’s God’s refining fire in my life and I know that the outcome will outweigh the difficulty of the process.

I’m so excited to be a part of something that is just so much bigger than myself, so much bigger than my own problems. I’m so glad to be serving a God who knows what He’s doing, always. He knows the desires of my heart and He knows the plans He has for my life. My only concern is: will I choose to trust the creator of the universe who only has the best in store for me; or will I worry and fuss because from my point of view, nothing is working the way it should? I can only see a part of the masterpiece, He’s the artist with the end in mind… the funny blend of colors in the corner of the canvas might concern me, but all He can see is the depth and beauty of the rose that those red’s and greens will bring. I am privileged and chosen… He’s made me a very specific way same as any of you, to use me for His specific purposes. My only goal is to line up with Him… loving and serving Him with everything that I have, being used entirely and to the fullest extent for the very reason I was initially made.